Monday, January 31, 2011

On being open...


For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hold your heart in all tenderness. Something healing this way comes.

Those were words I held close yesterday. I needed them badly. I planned to wait, patiently and quietly, until something came my way. My most recent friendship was rushed into too quickly, too strongly, too completely... and I devoted more of myself than I probably should have. We had both been ravenous for friendship and I think that we ended up wholly consuming each other's energy. lol - it's quite the imagery, if you think about it.

My husband planned for us to go to the Y together this morning and was meeting a new co-worker there to shoot hoops with... I needed a cleansing round of exercise that would burn through whatever turbulent emotions I've had lately. I started the day as I always do, at 5:30am... coffee, walking the dog, watching the news and catching up on my online happenings. I got the kids their breakfast early, got everyone dressed so we'd be ready to go- but then my ipod wouldn't upload my new list. I could feel myself growing ANGRY about it. WTH. Why, despite my best efforts, do things not work out for me?!
Still, we took off and signed the children in... but there was an unexpected surprise. This new co-worker brought his wife and young son as well. At first, I was a little annoyed that I might have to talk to someone when all I really WANTED to do was keep myself closed off, put in my earbuds and run until my heart couldn't take anymore. But something else was meant for me... for some reason, I didn't take off as soon as the children were signed in. Something told me to wait for this other woman with the calming-yet-vibrant disposition and kind eyes.

We exercised together and chatted breathlessly... it came so naturally that I mentally pinched myself. And- I can NEVER bring myself to talk while exercising, not even enough to whisper... what's up with that? This new ability to comfortably talk while near breathlessness? Awesome. The time whipped by. It's so soon to find such a friend- these kinds of wonderful happenings never come to me this comfortably.

But I believe it is. Thank God for that... my heart is craving the balm of a solid, happy friendship. This morning was the first of many lessons I still have to experience in this life. Just today, I've learned that the timing I set in my head as appropriate may not be the best timing... it may happen sooner or later. I've learned that I should try opening my soul's arms more often, when I want to close down and protect myself. Goodness won't come if I don't accept it... if I'm not even *there* to accept it.

. As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily.  The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.  ~Terri Guillemets

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