Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Fuel of Love


As silly as referring to a zodiac for insight may seem, especially as a Catholic, it holds truth for me. There IS order and meaning, I believe, in the so-very-visible night lights among our heavens. There are seasons and patterns that undoubtedly either affect or cause great effects in our lives. I don't believe it's a coincidence. There is reason in everything that has been touched by the Hand of God.

The Zodiacal Sign of Cancer commences on June 21st, but for days it does not come into full power until on or about June 28th. From this date onwards it is In full strength until July 20th, and is then for seven days gradually losing its strength on account of becoming overlapped by the "cusp" of the incoming sign Leo.

Such people are easily hurt by the slights of others. These are very complex people, sometimes appearing extremely strong and at other times to be as vulnerable as a child.

These people are remarkably good at accumulating things; indeed, they can be unwilling to throw anything out, even relationships that have passed thei
r use-by date. They are generally over-anxious in financial matters, and make great efforts to gather in money; as a rule, they have unusual ups and downs in their early life and so they are compelled to work to keep ahead, but once they get on their feet they keep there. If channeled in the right direction, their enormous sensitivity can become a great source of strength. Once they overcome their touchiness and master their turbulent emotions, their intellect and imagination enable them to become a success in almost anything they undertake.

The main problem for them is to remember not to let the powerful, turbulent emotions of the moment crowd out their normally rational judgment. Their intuitions are reliable and should be trusted.

They are generally gifted with strong imaginations, and it is very easy for them to become excellent artists, writers, composers, or musicians. At heart they are romantic and of a very loving and affectionate disposition.

On the other hand these people are perhaps the most sensitive natures from any other class of people and if aren’t recognized they quickly give up or get depressed and melancholy. Above all, they require encouragement and appreciation. Their deep sensitivity presents them with valuable and illuminating intuitions, especially regarding those they care for.

They often make excellent psy
chics, and usually have a yearning after the mysterious.

They should never marry young, for their nature seems to change at different stages of life.

People born in this part of the year often reach very high exalted positions. In their home lives, however, they usually go through a great deal of trouble, and are seldom surrounded by happiness, no matter how success
ful they may appear in the eye of the world.

Such people have deep love for what they call "their
own people," for family customs and for tradition.

This is all so very true of me.

My life has always been in the extreme- either joyous or depressed... by the year, season, month, week, hour, minute... moment. I do crave love. I don't expect much but I do require some degree of love. And I can tell if it's genuine or not... this is why I don't have many close friends. Being close to me means that I will shower you with all the love within me. I cannot love partially or slowly. I cannot go along on a facade of romance, friendship or devotion within family. I can tell when I'm not appreciated or, at the least, respected. I can tell when someone no longer wants that love and devotion I give them- no manner of seemingly sincere reassurances will convince me otherwise. My intuitions are usually right, although that is rarely, if ever, realized for some time. Still- it is painful when that has ended... when I'm no longer needed. I need to be needed. Wanted... appreciated, even. That is all I require of giving loyal, all-encompassing devotion to someone. I don't want gifts... just love. Appreciation. Respect for that devotion. When I love, it IS all-encompassing. I feel the need to protect that person from outsiders but also, even from themselves... even when I know it could end that relationship. I love the good part of them that *they* might not even know is there... the good part that is being ignored and should be cultivated instead. I know it's the part of them that needs attention. Pointing that out is sometimes not appreciated- I understand that. It's hard enough for me to even do this *because* I don't want to hurt them... but it needs to be done. I see it as protecting that person from him/herself, as they haven't/aren't seeing it on their own.

But when it ends a close relationship, I find myself wounded into the depths of my soul. It sounds dramatic, yes- but nothing could be closer to the reality of it. I give all- and all is broken. To accept me is to accept all the love I have to offer. In an attempt to avoid further torment in their rejection, I have to swiftly and abruptly declare my last accolade. When it isn't returned in Sincere Kindness, at the very least, I shut down to them. I MUST. It's my cancer personality, I suppose. It is the only way I have to protect myself.

Past boyfriends have accused me, at the ends, of loving them too much. They can't handle it. Fortunately, my husband can... he welcomes it, always accepts every devotion, lets my love wash over him and always returns that love in his own ways. I am so blessed to have found such a man, a partner who can stand up to this degree of devotion and still love me during the ebb and flow of my frequently changing moods. Because when I love, it's complete and true... and sometimes smothering if you don't want it ALL... if you don't let it wash over you. There's nothing I can do to prevent it. There's no other way for me to love. And I cannot exist in that relationship if it's not returned in even the smallest degree.

When any relationship is over - and they're ALL deep, ALL meaningful - my soul feels crowded. It literally feels like my soul is filling up with so much ungiven love that I will surely burst. I *can't* hold it back or control its flow... so I shut down. As I said, it's my only protection. I can function on a basic, outward level... only my mind and already-established stabilities to keep me going... until I find something or someone else to spill it onto. Giving Love fulfills me.

My family is a beautiful outlet for this but I have even more than that... a well of love that never runs dry... a well that is always overflowing at the brim. At the moment, my husband and children are within my well. They're loved more than any other wife and mother could love this husband and these children. Still, I'm feeling capped at the moment.

A continuous, free flowing fountain of love is my fuel. Giving love fills me up with it. As I grow older, I feel more and more like I was ushered into this world to give- to shower others with enough love to inspire confidence in themselves and their work. But yes- I am selfish enough that I need some small degree of reciprocation... a kind, genuine word is enough.

I hope to find that outlet for all of this love soon... an opportunity to let my love flow again, freely and purely, and feel safe while doing so.

In the meantime, I'll be throwing myself into Life. Loving my family fiercely but tenderly, investing all the care I can give to my young business and keeping my heart open to whatever Loveliness is meant for me. God created me with the rule that Love was to be my fuel- for me to express it and receive it in return.

This week will be one of refocus, self-nourishment, accepting all the love that comes my way and trying to let that cap burst forth from my heart... to let my love flow as it has always been meant to.

Hold your heart in all tenderness. Something healing this way comes.

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